Living with a person who is misusing drugs or alcohol

It’s not easy to live with someone who has a dependence on drugs or alcohol. At times it can be worrying, frustrating and even make you feel angry. You need to make sure that you are only helping them in the ‘right way’ and have time to also look after yourself and your family. 117 It’s not easy to live with someone who has a dependence on drugs or alcohol. At times it can be worrying, frustrating and even make you feel angry. You need to make sure that you are only helping them in the ‘right way’ and have time to also look after yourself and your family.

Being kind in the wrong way: ‘enabling’

Offer support to the person, but make sure that your action (or inaction) is not helping them to continue with their substance misuse. This kind of unintentional indirect support of a misuser is often referred to as ‘enabling’. Enablers are normally trying to offer support and don’t realise that their actions are simply allowing the person to carry on as usual.

To enable someone you might do one of several things:

Cover up: If you are helping a user to hide their problem, you are not helping. Don’t offer to call their work or college if they’re too hung-over or affected by drugs to do it themselves.
Tell lies on their behalf: Don’t be a liar for them.
Take it all on: If you help out too much (pay bills, do all the housework, take on all the responsibilities etc), you are making it easier for the person to keep using.
Give Money: Never give money to a person with an alcohol or drug problem, even if they say they need it for something else.

Being kind in the right way: ‘tough love’

To help someone with a drug or alcohol problem, you need to be firm and direct. You can express ‘tough love’ by setting out clear and reasonable rules of behaviour with clear and reasonable consequences for breaking them. But, if a rule is broken, you must follow through with the consequences. No matter how remorseful or persuasive the person appears, or how harsh they make you seem for doing so, all that you are doing is following through on your agreement with them, because you want to help them.

Set some boundaries: ‘ground rules’

To protect yourself and your family, think about setting some ground rules. It is important to involve all close family and friends in this process so that everyone around the home commits to the rules and knows where they stand. Along with the rules, you need to spell out what the consequences will be if rules are broken – this is essential otherwise you will undermine everything that you are trying to do.

Here are a few suggestions which you may like to adopt for your home:

No one can visit the house if they are under the influence of drink or drugs.
No one can bring drink or illegal drugs into your home – if you have alcohol in the house, get rid of it.
Do not tolerate any abuse, violence or threats.
Do not give money when requested. If they need things such as cigarettes, toiletries, etc, buy them when you are next out shopping.
Remember, some household products such as solvents (glue, aerosols, Tippex) can also be used to get high – keep them locked away.
Visits by friends must be agreed with you. All visitors must agree to leave immediately if asked to do so.

Suggestions for actions to take if a rule gets broken:

Speak to the person who broke the rule in a calm, but firm voice.
Don’t let your anger or frustrations get the better of you and start shouting or getting violent in return – easier said than done maybe, but remember, you need to stay calm for the benefit of everyone.
Always follow through – do not make any exceptions. If you do not enforce a house rule when it is broken, all rules will be ignored and you will be back to square one, or worse, if your relationships deteriorate further.
Call the Gardaí if things get out of control or an ambulance if someone needs urgent medical attention. Both services are highly trained and know exactly how to deal with difficult situations. The Gardaí do not have to make an arrest but can take the user away to a safe place where they cannot harm themselves or anyone else.

Following an incident that upsets you, make sure you get the help and support you need for yourself and your family, including an offer of help for the drug or alcohol user. This may include getting yourself into a support group for families or seeking professional help from an addiction counselling service. Good friends and family are invaluable at a time like this, seek their support also.

Opening the door to treatment

Keep encouraging the drug or alcohol user to get some help – don’t nag but give them some concrete suggestions about where they can go (its important to do your homework first on this). Leave information about local addiction services around the house so that they can look at their options privately on their own. Encourage them to surf the web. There are a lot of good websites with information by and for people in the same place as the person you are trying to help; it might help them to see that they are not alone.